"Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy-the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light" -Brene Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection
Hi, my name is Judy Yen. And I am a people pleaser.
I never realized I was a PP until a fellow marriage and family therapy trainee told me in graduate school. I was 30 years old at that time.
Initially, I was highly offended and replied defensively, "No, I am NOT!"
He simply chuckled and muttered, "yeah, ok."
Being my usual over analytical self, I mulled over his comment/label incessantly in my head. Am I a people pleaser? I can say no, can't I? Why am I even so bothered by this designation? Obviously, I ran to my closest circle of friends and asked them what they thought, assuming they would all dispel that accusation. Well, that certainly didn't happen...
Friend 1: Duh, you always say yes to everything.
Me: So not true! I say no ALL the time. Ok, maybe not all the time, but sometimes. Ok, fine, rarely do I say no. Damn it, I am a people pleaser...
Friend 2: Of course you're a people pleaser. You're so nice and you do so much for everybody, all the time. You buy cupcakes and donuts for everybody but you never actually eat them. You just buy them.
Me: Why is being nice a bad thing? Plus, carbs make people happy.
Friend 3: You're a caretaker. We love you for it, but sometimes you need to let us take care of you.
Me: Um, that kinda makes me uncomfortable.
Friend 4,5,6, you get the picture...: Judy, you are the definition of a people pleaser.
Me: Why didn't anyone tell me?!
Circle of trusted friends: We all thought you knew!
So, why was I bothered by this new revelation about my identity back in 2013? Truthfully, I used to think people pleasers were weak, insecure, and lacked confidence. I thought, "That is definitely not me. I am a strong, secure, and self-sufficient individual. I do not care what people think of me."
LIES...
Of course, I care what people think of me. I was just too embarrassed to admit that to myself. I started to self-reflect and examine some of my people pleasing ways:
1. I over commit myself to outings and events. I am left feeling stressed, exhausted, and anxious.
2. I say "sure" to too many requests and often feel resentful or depleted afterwards.
3. I feel uncomfortable when others try and help me.
4. I often give gifts when it is unnecessary.
5. I feel like I am a "good person" if others are happy because of my doing. I like being needed.
6. I feel like I am a "bad person" if I say no. So much guilt...
7. I want to appear to be put together, grounded, and perfect (eyeroll to this word) as often as I can.
8. I want people to like me so being nice is my go-to because who doesn't like a nice person.
9. I put other people before myself and often suppress my own needs and desires.
10. I hate rejection (in all sense of the word) whether it be professionally, personally, or relationally so I will do my best to avoid it.
After making this list, I realized I lacked something imperative. I lacked boundaries. Oh, and a little something called self-worth.
In my Chinese culture, we are taught to be humble and caring for others. My mother is the most self-less wonderful human on this planet (I might be slightly biased). I grew up watching her put my father and all of us children first, always before herself.
What did this look like?
For every meal, and I mean every meal, my mom was the last one to sit down to eat. She made sure every single one of our hungry chubby faces were served a full plate of deliciousness. Once we started eating, then she would eat. And she NEVER took the best portion of any dish nor did she eat the last piece of any food item. She seemed to always eat the scraps. In addition, she was the mom who would stay up an extra few hours (even though she was already exhausted from a long day) to wash and dry that one specific shirt/dress/pants/jersey we just had to wear the very next day but only realized a few minutes prior to bedtime. She would surprise us constantly with our favorite drink/treat/toy while she was out running errands because she was ALWAYS thinking of us.
Even today, in a season where my siblings and I are adults and should be caring for my parents, my mom still continues to pour into us. Every time she visits me, she pulls me aside for our mother/daughter chats. She always says, "Ok, I am ready to hear about your life. Tell me what is going on. Have I missed anything? How are you feeling? You have my full attention." My mom makes me feel seen, known, and validated. And she never asks for anything in return.
But, in a way, she should. Because she is also worthy of love and affirmation.
In the same way that my mom makes me feel cared for, I want to do the same for others but with a few tweaks. Inadvertently, my culture and upbringing taught me to suppress my own needs and only pour into others. In the last few years, since being told I was a PP, with the help of good people, I have learned the following:
1. Saying "no" is a choice and sometimes a needed option. It is impossible to say "yes" to everything. Plus, I shouldn't have to. I can say "no" and still remain a compassionate person. It is not my job to please everyone. Brene Brown says, "Compassionate people are boundaried people. The heart of compassion is really acceptance. The better we are at accepting ourselves and others, the more compassionate we become. It's difficult to accept people when they are hurting us or taking advantage of us or walking all over us. If we really want to practice compassion, we have to start by setting boundaries and holding people accountable for their behavior." People who truly want the best for you, will accept and encourage you to embed the word "no" into your vocabulary.
2. I can't be everything to everyone. Yes, I want everyone to be happy. But, can I control their happiness? No, of course I can't. According to Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, "You cannot change others. What you can do is influence others. Since you cannot get them to change, you must change yourself so that their destructive pattern can no longer work on you. Change your way of dealing them: they may be motivated to change if their old ways no longer work." Once I change my responses and establish my boundaries, it forces others to respond differently. I am not responsible for other peoples' emotions, only my own.
3. Everyone's needs matter, including my own. I can still remember the day that I decided I was going to let other people care for me. This might sound silly but it was very impactful at the time. One of my closest female friends and I were walking through a door, and as usual, I went and grabbed the door first to open it for us because I am a "gentle-woman" and she became frustrated and asked, "How come you never let me open the door for you?" I was slightly taken aback by her annoyance and replied, "Uh, I don't know. I guess I like opening doors for people..." She rolled her eyes lovingly and sat me down for some truth talk. She basically told me that it was sometimes difficult for her when I would caretake or people please too much. She said, "Judy, I love you and I wish you would let the rest of us love you as much as you love us. When you don't, it makes me feel like you don't think I can love you well or you don't trust me to do so. It almost feels like a one-sided friendship." Wow, ok, mind blown. Apparently, I had and still do have an amazing group of friends and family members waiting to pour into my life. You guys are forever appreciated.
Well, it might have taken me over 30 years to admit I have a "problem" but I am definitely on the right path to please, perform, and perfect less. Self discovery and recovery can be a difficult journey, but a much needed one.
To all my people pleasers (well actually to everyone): I highly recommend reading Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. It is life-changing! Above is a book review by my colleague Adam Luke and me. Have a happy non-people pleasing day ;)
Hugs! -Judy
Brea, CA