While on vacation with my family, I turned to my 32 year old brother (ladies, he is single wink wink), and asked, “So being a dude, a guys’ guy, what would you want to read about on a blog?”
He turned to me and with his usual straight-forward attitude, responded with a simple “understanding women.”
Initially, I chuckled and rolled my eyes at him but then paused and seriously thought it over and decided that it was an excellent blog topic. Thanks brother!
I contacted my good friend and colleague, Adam Luke (also a pre-licensed marriage and family therapist with California Altura Vista), and asked him if he would be interested in co-writing this piece with me. I thought it would be best to have a man represent the men. I figured not only do men want guidance into the female psyche, but women would like a glimpse into the male brain as well.
We decided to contact men and women from various social circles (thanks to all of you who contributed) to answer the following question,
“What is one thing you want the opposite gender to understand about men/women?”
Here is what we uncovered from each gender’s perspective:
WOMEN
The great question that has never been answered and which I have not yet been able to answer, despite my 30 years of research into the feminine soul, is “What does a woman want?” – Sigmund Freud
There have been countless movies, music, and magazine articles asking this very same thing. Even relationship experts, John and Julie Gottman, have recently released a new book titled “A Man’s Guide to Women.”
Apparently, women are complicated?
Men, let’s start with rule number one. Calling us “complicated” automatically sounds negative and makes us feel defensive because many women associate the word complicated with the word difficult and nobody likes being considered “hard to deal with; requiring much labor.”
In order to better understand women, embracing these four E’s may be a nice start to a smoother relationship with your female counterpart:
1. Emotions Matter
Emotions do not equal “crazy.” Raise your hand if you have ever called a female (yes, we women are guilty of this as well) the word “crazy, cray, insane, nutty, etc…?” Yes, we understand that sometimes our varying opinions, moods, behaviors, demands, reactions, simply everything, leaves you guys feeling baffled. Are some of us women emotional? Yes. Are we all crazy? (Don’t you dare shake your head yes lol). No. The answer is no. In the same way, all you men are not identical, all of us women are not the same. We want you guys to simply sit with us and understand that sometimes we don’t even know why we feel the way we do. Our bodies go through physical and emotional experiences that your male body will never comprehend. Instead of trying to “fix” our emotions, please just let us feel them and be there to love us through our rollercoaster.
2. Effort Counts
Small things matter to us. Whether you have been with us for a month or 40 years, please continue to date us. Simple gestures such as random notes of acknowledgment, gifts, compliments, acts of service around the house, ordering our favorite coffee, etc... make us feel beautiful and appreciated. Continuing to “date” or “pursue” us keeps our relationship fresh and adventurous and passionate. The constant and continuous effort makes us feel cared for and giddy about the relationship. Dating your partner is the best way to cultivate connection. Your effort, big or small, tells us we are special. And we love that :)
3. Equilibrium
Is a physical state of balance which can bring a calm state of mind. Women, or people in general, often prefer external and internal affairs to be one of balance and peace. We, as women, have the heightened intuition when things “just aren’t quite right.” It can make us feel insecure or unstable or uneasy. When your normal patterns change, we catch on to that. Whether it is your communication style, mood, or even the way you smell, if there is a shift, we notice. All we ask is that you keep us in the loop. Allowing us to be part of your process creates a sense of emotional stability and security within us.
4. Effective Communication
One way for us to achieve #3 is through communication. Yes, we understand that sometimes you guys need space or alone time but please do not “stonewall” us. (By the way, women do this too). Relationship researcher John Gottman, Ph.D., defines stonewalling as “when a listener withdraws from an interaction by getting quiet or shutting down.” This uncomfortable silence often leaves us feeling hurt, ignored, misunderstood, and invalidated. Men and women both need to be honest with one another and inform their partners of the best way to interact with them when one becomes overwhelmed or flooded by the conversation. If you need a break or timeout, please ask for that. Let’s both learn to be open and transparent and allow the other person to learn to love the other person well.
Favorite clip on understanding women "It's Not About The Nail."
Suggested Readings: The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman, Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Sue Johnson, The Man’s Guide to Women by John and Julie Gottman
Stay tuned for Adam's insights on the male perspective.
As always, please feel free to email me with any questions or comments or topics of interest! Happy love weekend!
Hugs! -Judy
Brea, CA