The Journey of Loss

There is not a typical response to loss, as there is no typical loss. –Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

Dear Loss,

F***ck you.

Sincerely, me

I apologize for my crass language. I am usually not one to use profanity in public especially in writing, but those were seriously the only two words that kept swirling around in my mind as I tried to start this entry.

I have been meaning to write this post for a couple of months but something kept holding me back from sitting down and actually putting my thoughts on paper. My heart created this avoidance block because it knew it was going to be painful…excruciatingly painful. I needed the right time and head space to come undone.

So I sit here…one day before I have to go back to work (even though I had two weeks off to write this thing), on the second day of the New Year, to finally release and process this topic. With these words, flows years of stored up heartache and current raw emotions…

Loss is an interesting entity. It is something experienced by all. No one can escape it. We have seasons of blessings and then seasons of what feels like one loss after another.

Hit after hit.

Ache after ache.

What season are you in?

The loss of:

A loved one

A friendship

A relationship

A pet

A cherished item

A job

An opportunity

Your health

Your confidence

Your integrity

Your self-esteem

Your self-worth

Your security

Your identity

Your faith

Your hope.

With all of these forms of loss, one commonality unites them all: they all simply SUCK.

I’m sure there are more articulate words I could use to describe this experience but this is simply how I feel. There are days where it sucks so badly that I can barely function. I can barely breathe.

I can’t eat, I can’t think, I can’t work, I can’t hold a normal conversation, but instead I just cry or feel numb or force sleep so I can block out the pain for a few hours and pray the loss was all a dream. Sadly, it wasn’t.

We all handle loss differently. The grieving process is a complex experience. It affects us emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually.

Some of us choose to either overeat or not eat at all. Some of us isolate while others reach out. Some of us sleep all day or stay up all night. Some of us take a break from responsibilities while others of us work overtime or party to avoid feeling the pain of the loss.

Whatever our grief looks like, just remember it is your process. Allow yourself to feel what you feel.

According to Elizabeth-Kubler Ross, in her 1969 book On Death and Dying, she identifies five stages of grief and loss:

1.    Denial and isolation

This often sounds like, “I can’t believe this is happening. It can’t be true.” It is often a normal reaction to rationalize the overwhelming emotions. It helps buffer the immediate shock of the loss.

2.    Anger

Our anger can be targeted at various things including others, a higher power, the world, and ourselves. Blaming and being angry is easier to feel than something as vulnerable as hurt or fear.

3.    Bargaining

This includes many “if only” thoughts. “If only, I hadn’t done this, or gone there, or asked that, or said that…” For some, we bargain with God or a higher power to bring back what we have lost in exchange for better behavior or commitment.

4.    Depression

This can look differently for everyone. It can be externalized or internalized. Crying is common for some whereas others may not cry at all. Sadness and guilt are often intertwined in this stage.

5.    Acceptance

This stage of mourning is marked by peace. Unfortunately, not all of us may reach this gift of the process. Sometimes, we can’t move past the anger or denial. Acceptance does not translate to having forgotten who/what we have lost or agreeing that the loss was fair, but it is to acknowledge that there was tremendous love interwoven in that connection. Many people often give the poorly worded advice, “You need to get over it and move on.” I often cringe when I hear those words. I’m sorry, but I will never “move on or get over” those I have loved, but rather, we can move through and forward from the pain and loss.

These stages do not only apply to death and dying. It can apply to all forms of loss. Loss is defined as being deprived of something or someone of value. It is simply an outline for our mourning process. Some of us may not experience all the stages and the stages do not need to be experienced in a particular order. Everyone’s process is different. Bereavement is a highly personal and individualized process. There is no “correct” way to grieve. Furthermore, there is no “normal” timetable for the grief. Remember to be patient with yourself and allow your process to naturally unfold.

In my 34 years of life, I have lost family members, friendships, and romantic loves. I have walked with friends, family, students, and clients through their journey of loss and mourning. As marriage and family therapists, we are trained and educated on understanding and helping others through grief and loss.

But, you want to know something….?

None of that training makes a personal experience of loss feel any less agonizing. Some might think that us therapists should know how to “properly” cope and handle grief, but honestly, we are human, and our hearts shatter too.

Recently, my Boston Terrier, Gucci, passed away unexpectedly and unexplainably. Although some may find my loss silly compared to other forms of loss, but to me, it was still ultimately a loss that I am still currently mourning. Her sudden death hit me hard. People who know me well, knew that she was my life. She was a part of my identity. I cherished her little being the way I cherish everyone else in my life that I value. Although she was a pet, she added so much joy to my life in her five short years of existence. She had been with me through the wonderful highs and the miserable lows.

With this recent loss, I was reminded again just how awful this process can be. A few months have passed and I am still randomly knocked over with crying spells and sudden moments of breath-stopping heartache. Recently, I was at the movie theaters and saw a preview for “A Dog’s Purpose” and practically lost my shit. I was quite annoyed with myself. But seriously, it was difficult to watch.

Personally, I am most thrown by the unpredictability of it all.

The unpredictable loss, the unpredictable moments of grief, the unpredictable reminders of the loss, and the unpredictable process of it all has been the most difficult. Being a control freak, I find comfort in knowing what to expect and when I am slapped with my own unexpected unregulated emotions, it throws me off my equilibrium. We don’t know when we will lose someone. We don’t know how we will react. And we don’t know how long the pain will last.

Unfortunately, I do not have the answer to ease your pain, although I desperately wish I could grant you immediate healing and peace in your season of loss. All I know for certain is that 1) loss sucks 2) unpredictability can rock us 3) there is hope for healing.

Every individual’s healing process will be different. The main thing to remember is to take care of yourself. The stress from the loss can often deplete our energy and overall well being. Taking care of our emotional and physical needs is imperative during this time even when we feel like we can’t. A few ways to bring healing may include:

1.     Find support in your family and friends (Thanks to all my family and friends who helped support me through my losses. Your compassion and empathy are forever appreciated).

2.     Join a grief support group (www.griefspeaks.com).

3.     Express your grief in a tangible and creative way (art, journaling, etc…).

4.     Keep your body physically healthy (diet, sleep, exercise).

5.     Plan ahead for grief “triggers” (birthdays, anniversaries, holidays).

6.     Allow yourself to feel what you feel and don’t let others tell you how to feel.

My favorite book as a child was “Where the Red Fern Grows” by Wilson Rawls. It is a coming of age story about a young boy and his love for his two pups. Whenever I think of love, I am reminded of this novel:

“Men," said Mr. Kyle, "people have been trying to understand dogs ever since the beginning of time. One never knows what they'll do. You can read every day where a dog saved the life of a drowning child, or lay down his life for his master. Some people call this loyalty. I don't. I may be wrong, but I call it love - the deepest kind of love."

After these words were spoken, a thoughtful silence settled over the men. The mood was broken by the deep growling voice I had heard back in the washout.

"It's a shame that people all over the world can't have that kind of love in their hearts," he said. "There would be no wars, slaughter, or murder; no greed or selfishness. It would be the kind of world that God wants us to have - a wonderful world.” ―Wilson Rawls, Where the Red Fern Grows

Gucci pooh, I still can't believe you're gone. You were so loved. I will miss your snorts, farts, quirks, and spooning. Hope doggie heaven is wonderful.

Please, Perform, Perfect

"Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy-the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light" -Brene Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection

Hi, my name is Judy Yen. And I am a people pleaser. 

I never realized I was a PP until a fellow marriage and family therapy trainee told me in graduate school. I was 30 years old at that time.

Initially, I was highly offended and replied defensively, "No, I am NOT!"

He simply chuckled and muttered, "yeah, ok."

Being my usual over analytical self, I mulled over his comment/label incessantly in my head. Am I a people pleaser? I can say no, can't I? Why am I even so bothered by this designation? Obviously, I ran to my closest circle of friends and asked them what they thought, assuming they would all dispel that accusation. Well, that certainly didn't happen...

Friend 1: Duh, you always say yes to everything. 

Me: So not true! I say no ALL the time. Ok, maybe not all the time, but sometimes. Ok, fine, rarely do I say no. Damn it, I am a people pleaser...

Friend 2: Of course you're a people pleaser. You're so nice and you do so much for everybody, all the time. You buy cupcakes and donuts for everybody but you never actually eat them. You just buy them.

Me: Why is being nice a bad thing? Plus, carbs make people happy.

Friend 3: You're a caretaker. We love you for it, but sometimes you need to let us take care of you.

Me: Um, that kinda makes me uncomfortable.

Friend 4,5,6, you get the picture...: Judy, you are the definition of a people pleaser.

Me: Why didn't anyone tell me?!

Circle of trusted friends: We all thought you knew!  

So, why was I bothered by this new revelation about my identity back in 2013? Truthfully, I used to think people pleasers were weak, insecure, and lacked confidence. I thought, "That is definitely not me. I am a strong, secure, and self-sufficient individual. I do not care what people think of me."

LIES...

Of course, I care what people think of me. I was just too embarrassed to admit that to myself. I started to self-reflect and examine some of my people pleasing ways:

1. I over commit myself to outings and events. I am left feeling stressed, exhausted, and anxious.

2. I say "sure" to too many requests and often feel resentful or depleted afterwards.

3. I feel uncomfortable when others try and help me.

4. I often give gifts when it is unnecessary.

5. I feel like I am a "good person" if others are happy because of my doing. I like being needed.

6. I feel like I am a "bad person" if I say no. So much guilt...

7. I want to appear to be put together, grounded, and perfect (eyeroll to this word) as often as I can. 

8. I want people to like me so being nice is my go-to because who doesn't like a nice person. 

9. I put other people before myself and often suppress my own needs and desires.

10. I hate rejection (in all sense of the word) whether it be professionally, personally, or relationally so I will do my best to avoid it.

After making this list, I realized I lacked something imperative. I lacked boundaries. Oh, and a little something called self-worth.

In my Chinese culture, we are taught to be humble and caring for others. My mother is the most self-less wonderful human on this planet (I might be slightly biased). I grew up watching her put my father and all of us children first, always before herself.

What did this look like?

For every meal, and I mean every meal, my mom was the last one to sit down to eat. She made sure every single one of our hungry chubby faces were served a full plate of deliciousness. Once we started eating, then she would eat. And she NEVER took the best portion of any dish nor did she eat the last piece of any food item. She seemed to always eat the scraps. In addition, she was the mom who would stay up an extra few hours (even though she was already exhausted from a long day) to wash and dry that one specific shirt/dress/pants/jersey we just had to wear the very next day but only realized a few minutes prior to bedtime. She would surprise us constantly with our favorite drink/treat/toy while she was out running errands because she was ALWAYS thinking of us.

Even today, in a season where my siblings and I are adults and should be caring for my parents, my mom still continues to pour into us. Every time she visits me, she pulls me aside for our mother/daughter chats. She always says, "Ok, I am ready to hear about your life. Tell me what is going on. Have I missed anything? How are you feeling? You have my full attention." My mom makes me feel seen, known, and validated. And she never asks for anything in return.

But, in a way, she should. Because she is also worthy of love and affirmation.

In the same way that my mom makes me feel cared for, I want to do the same for others but with a few tweaks. Inadvertently, my culture and upbringing taught me to suppress my own needs and only pour into others. In the last few years, since being told I was a PP, with the help of good people, I have learned the following:

1. Saying "no" is a choice and sometimes a needed option. It is impossible to say "yes" to everything. Plus, I shouldn't have to. I can say "no" and still remain a compassionate person. It is not my job to please everyone. Brene Brown says, "Compassionate people are boundaried people. The heart of compassion is really acceptance. The better we are at accepting ourselves and others, the more compassionate we become. It's difficult to accept people when they are hurting us or taking advantage of us or walking all over us. If we really want to practice compassion, we have to start by setting boundaries and holding people accountable for their behavior." People who truly want the best for you, will accept and encourage you to embed the word "no" into your vocabulary.

2. I can't be everything to everyone. Yes, I want everyone to be happy. But, can I control their happiness? No, of course I can't. According to Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, "You cannot change others. What you can do is influence others. Since you cannot get them to change, you must change yourself so that their destructive pattern can no longer work on you. Change your way of dealing them: they may be motivated to change if their old ways no longer work." Once I change my responses and establish my boundaries, it forces others to respond differently. I am not responsible for other peoples' emotions, only my own.

3. Everyone's needs matter, including my own. I can still remember the day that I decided I was going to let other people care for me. This might sound silly but it was very impactful at the time. One of my closest female friends and I were walking through a door, and as usual, I went and grabbed the door first to open it for us because I am a "gentle-woman" and she became frustrated and asked, "How come you never let me open the door for you?" I was slightly taken aback by her annoyance and replied, "Uh, I don't know. I guess I like opening doors for people..." She rolled her eyes lovingly and sat me down for some truth talk. She basically told me that it was sometimes difficult for her when I would caretake or people please too much. She said, "Judy, I love you and I wish you would let the rest of us love you as much as you love us. When you don't, it makes me feel like you don't think I can love you well or you don't trust me to do so. It almost feels like a one-sided friendship." Wow, ok, mind blown. Apparently, I had and still do have an amazing group of friends and family members waiting to pour into my life. You guys are forever appreciated.

Well, it might have taken me over 30 years to admit I have a "problem" but I am definitely on the right path to please, perform, and perfect less. Self discovery and recovery can be a difficult journey, but a much needed one.

To all my people pleasers (well actually to everyone): I highly recommend reading Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. It is life-changing! Above is a book review by my colleague Adam Luke and me. Have a happy non-people pleasing day ;)

Hugs! -Judy

Brea, CA

Cryptic Code

The past two posts have contained perspectives from both genders. We gathered various responses and came up with one conclusion. See if you can detect the code to understanding the opposite gender based on these responses:

What is one thing you wish the opposite gender could understand about men/women?

W. It’s ok if you don’t know what to do with us sometimes. Just love us. Love us with all that you have to the bottom of your soul and we will give you everything in return.

M. Not all men are emotionally retarded. Generalizing all men as emotionally blunted is insensitive.

W. Take the time to learn our “love languages” and it will pay off big time if you do.

M. Men like to feel desired. We want to feel like you find us attractive. We want to feel needed but not in a co-dependent way.

W. That our emotions are complicated and they should just do what we say and not ask questions :)

M. We want clear and direct communication. One of the hardest things is to figure out what women want through their passive requests. We want clarity and directness but soft and empathy in the requests.

W. Take the time to understand our various emotions without trying to fix them or make them go away.

M. That asking for help from your man and then totally chewing his ass out for not vacuuming, doing the dishes, dusting, grocery shopping, fridge arranging or whatever “right”. Why even try if its never going to be how she wants it?

W. Understand that we have menstrual cycles and rollercoaster type emotions. We can’t always control it. Our physical bodies can cause us to feel overwhelmed and confused.

M. That cutting off your man’s dignity and killing his pride doesn’t give you the right to turn around and say he is no longer the man you fell in love with. You’re right, he isn’t. He is the man you created.

W. Not everything is absolute for us. Please see the gray area that we see.

M. Men are natural problem solvers. We don’t want to dwell on the emotions of a problem and feel the situation. We want to claw our way out.

W. Not all women are the same and the best way to figure out others and know what you want is to have yourself figured out first.

M. That when I am quiet and just sitting next to her, I can be the happiest man in the world. People don’t have to talk at the Grand Canyon to admire and love it, why the heck do I have to be talking for her to think I am in love with her?

W. Be clear with your intentions from the start will usually save you from a lot of potential issues down the road.

M. That we are open books, if it aint there… its not there. What I say bothers me, bothers me, and that’s that.

W. Women need security and that we are loved in unloving and conflictual moments. We need a foundation of love and not abandonment. In the midst of an argument, we need to know you are still present in the relationship.

M. We don’t really mean to piss girls off. In fact, we would do better at keeping the peace if we could just predict what the trigger would be. It changes too often to keep track of.

W. We are relationally oriented. We get our identity and understanding of ourselves via relationships.

M. That when you ask for help but you don’t really want it, that you actually make us not want to care in the future.

W. Show us appreciation and not just with words. Actions matter.

M. Men are not women. We are made to do things differently and think differently. Reading minds is not our gift so please don’t test us to see if we can.

W. When you clean the house, I want to have sex with you.

M. DUDE, that girls can totally send their dude chocolates or something at work or hell I will take flowers… I’d really dig to one day be surprised with something.

W. Women are always right. Happy wife means happy life.

M. I think most women look better with no or minimal makeup. Stop making yourselves look like clowns.

So what did we discover in our journey to cracking the gender code…”

NO CODE WAS DETECTED.

It doesn’t matter who we are, male or female, we will never fully understand the opposite gender.

We have to accept who we are and we have to accept that we are very different in thought processes, emotions, and how we quantify intimacy.

We are complex beings that are constantly transforming.

In many ways the things that have been laid out in this post read a lot like a blueprint, it gives men and women a base understanding of where each one is coming from. We can see where our foundations are built, how we support ourselves, and how we withstand the battles life throws our way.

But that is just a blueprint.

It doesn’t show what that house has experienced or the events that have transpired in its halls.  While you may be able to judge it by a few lines and structures, let’s not forget that stereotypes may have half truths and not all people fit the same gender mold.   

Instead, look at the amazing beings our opposite genders are rather than thinking we can break out a wall or add an addition or change something in their blueprint.

Simply enjoy the person in front of you.

From all the research we have done in working with couples, the greatest “ah-HA” moment of love and joy in a relationship is when you start building your relationship together with one another instead of trying to rebuild and change each other.

After all these years, the one thing we can conclude is that neither gender has the code to fully deciphering or understanding the other, but just simply having the desire to want to, is a start to a lasting relationship in itself.

We leave you with the following quotes:

“Men are from earth, Women are from earth. Deal with it” -George Carlin

“We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly. -Sam Keen

Thanks for joining us in this three part mini series of a blog! A special thanks to all of you who shared your thoughts and opinions and to Adam Luke for co-writing this series with me. As always, please feel free to contact us with comments or questions or interested topics.

Hugs!

-Judy and Adam

Brea, CA

Cracking the Gender Code Part 2

Ahh, I remember it like it was yesterday………….

Adam: “OoOo hey a text from Judy!”

Judy: Do you wanna co-write a blog?

Adam: Sure, what about?

Judy: I am thinking, “What is one thing you want the opposite gender to understand about men/women?”

My REACTION:

Let’s face it men are not exactly known for being great philosophers of women and their emotional states (didn’t Judy just talk about not picking out emotions? I don’t know I wasn’t really paying attention).

After sitting down with Judy and realizing this was, in fact, a great topic to discuss and realizing that we had a great resource group to pool from, I set out to gather directly from the male “horse’s mouth” what would help anyone from the single person looking to enter into a relationship to the person who has put in 10-20 years of hard time.

As the weeks ticked on Judy would randomly and enthusiastically text me with great responses from her female pooling group. These answers were deep, heart-felt, and showed so much meaning.

My group’s responses at first:

Text #1

 This will be 100% anonymous?

                                    -Corey

Text #2

 Have you been talking to my wife?

-Anonymous

Text #3

I’ve seen this movie before.

After promising the upmost security, anonymity, data encryption, and manual hard drive wiping after the completion of this blog post, the heartless and heartfelt responses started to roll in…

Men

“Why does a woman work ten years to change a man, then complain he's not the man she married?” - Barbra Streisand

So when you are looking at your man and are completely confused on how his thought processes work, just remember… W T F:

1.      We are natural problem solvers.

In no way am I inferring that woman cannot share the same trait, but from the context of male actions as a whole, we tend to automatically respond to emotional and relational stressors and moments of conflict in a completely counter intuitive way. Hypothetically, let’s say right now I am in a relational conflict with my spouse, the large pooling source I sampled all spelled out that in some way they forget to listen to the actual problem. We see these moments of emotional triggers a lot like Ikea bookshelves, we don’t need instructions or context we simply need a power drill and a much bigger hammer.  All of this is detrimental to our actual desired outcome, which is harmony and mutual understanding.

2.      Tenacity is our strength and our downfall.

What surprised me the most also made me smile at my fellow men was the humility of most of their responses in this regard. It is funny when I hear men talk about how stubborn women are, or like Judy pointed out “cray.” Yet, we will paint ourselves orange, pay $150+ and stand half naked at the 50-yard line of a football game to cheer on a professional team that does not even know we exist… “Yah, woman are nuts.” In many ways our tenacity is what attracts our better halves. Most of the time, women cite their attraction to their male counterpart is a male’s passion, confidence, and perseverance.  Now let’s apply that tenacity to relational situations and what we seem to find out quickly is that same passion and confidence quickly turns to stubbornness and arrogance. It takes a long time for a man to sit back and realize when he is doing this. We are passionate (even though we like to make people think we are not) and while we might fight for our shining lady’s honor we are all too quick to bicker for our own dishonor. We are quick to not back down and we are quick to say things we will truly regret afterwards just to get the upper hand in the situation. In so many ways, men always get likened to a knight in shining armor and in so many ways, men argue with their loved ones in the same way, we put on armor. We shield ourselves and we try to slash our way through a conflict, but we forget that the emotional complexities of women are a lot like a Hydra (a poisonous multi-headed Greek serpentine water monster) we try to cut, poke, and kill one conflict and what we actually do is injure our loved one deeply and instead of limiting the conflict at hand, we multiply the variables. The lesson in all of this? Sometimes we don’t need to be the knight, we need to be Arthur at the round table.

3.      Forthright and open books.

A direct response I got from one of my male pooling participants was very clear:

“When we say we’re thinking about nothing, we actually are thinking about nothing. We also say what we want in the order it was meant to be heard and using the dictionary definition of those words. Nothing more and nothing less.“

I remember sitting down with a couple wrestling with everything this friend of mine said. To put it in better perspective, men are type-writers and woman are iPads. Both can be the tools that write great things but so much is different in how they do it. Like the typewriter, men are very deliberate in what they do, our actions are made with force, and our mark made deliberately upon what we are trying to communicate with. Woman are just as deliberate with their feelings but their feelings are also attached and influenced by so many more fundamental things such as connection (Wi-Fi= love, touch, presence *non-verbal communication*) a deep source of emotional history (Google= emotional events and experiences of the past) and we can go on and on. Instead as men, we stay very present in our actions, solutions, and communication. All we have is a single sheet of paper in front of us or maybe a few sheets that are already written and as soon as that paper is removed, for some of us, so is the conflict. Where women seem to have a couple terabits of storage *crickets.*  This is probably one of the most frustrating things in the male world, when we are arguing with our significant other and they start bringing up other things and asking if they are connected to our current frustration. Most of the time we are just frustrated with what we actually say we are frustrated with. Sure it could be connected to something else, but 99% of the time, like the quote above, we are being forthright with our frustration and it IS what we say it IS. 

Suggested Readings: Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus by John Gray, Love Sense by Dr. Sue Johnson, Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, How We Love by Milan and Kay Yerkovich

Crack the Gender Code

While on vacation with my family, I turned to my 32 year old brother (ladies, he is single wink wink), and asked, “So being a dude, a guys’ guy, what would you want to read about on a blog?”

He turned to me and with his usual straight-forward attitude, responded with a simple “understanding women.”

Initially, I chuckled and rolled my eyes at him but then paused and seriously thought it over and decided that it was an excellent blog topic. Thanks brother!

I contacted my good friend and colleague, Adam Luke (also a pre-licensed marriage and family therapist with California Altura Vista), and asked him if he would be interested in co-writing this piece with me. I thought it would be best to have a man represent the men. I figured not only do men want guidance into the female psyche, but women would like a glimpse into the male brain as well.

We decided to contact men and women from various social circles (thanks to all of you who contributed) to answer the following question,

“What is one thing you want the opposite gender to understand about men/women?”

Here is what we uncovered from each gender’s perspective:

WOMEN

The great question that has never been answered and which I have not yet been able to answer, despite my 30 years of research into the feminine soul, is “What does a woman want?” – Sigmund Freud

There have been countless movies, music, and magazine articles asking this very same thing. Even relationship experts, John and Julie Gottman, have recently released a new book titled “A Man’s Guide to Women.”  

Apparently, women are complicated?

Men, let’s start with rule number one. Calling us “complicated” automatically sounds negative and makes us feel defensive because many women associate the word complicated with the word difficult and nobody likes being considered “hard to deal with; requiring much labor.”

In order to better understand women, embracing these four E’s may be a nice start to a smoother relationship with your female counterpart:

1. Emotions Matter

Emotions do not equal “crazy.” Raise your hand if you have ever called a female (yes, we women are guilty of this as well) the word “crazy, cray, insane, nutty, etc…?” Yes, we understand that sometimes our varying opinions, moods, behaviors, demands, reactions, simply everything, leaves you guys feeling baffled. Are some of us women emotional? Yes. Are we all crazy? (Don’t you dare shake your head yes lol). No. The answer is no. In the same way, all you men are not identical, all of us women are not the same. We want you guys to simply sit with us and understand that sometimes we don’t even know why we feel the way we do. Our bodies go through physical and emotional experiences that your male body will never comprehend. Instead of trying to “fix” our emotions, please just let us feel them and be there to love us through our rollercoaster.

2. Effort Counts

Small things matter to us. Whether you have been with us for a month or 40 years, please continue to date us. Simple gestures such as random notes of acknowledgment, gifts, compliments, acts of service around the house, ordering our favorite coffee, etc... make us feel beautiful and appreciated. Continuing to “date” or “pursue” us keeps our relationship fresh and adventurous and passionate. The constant and continuous effort makes us feel cared for and giddy about the relationship. Dating your partner is the best way to cultivate connection. Your effort, big or small, tells us we are special. And we love that :)

3. Equilibrium

Is a physical state of balance which can bring a calm state of mind. Women, or people in general, often prefer external and internal affairs to be one of balance and peace. We, as women, have the heightened intuition when things “just aren’t quite right.” It can make us feel insecure or unstable or uneasy. When your normal patterns change, we catch on to that. Whether it is your communication style, mood, or even the way you smell, if there is a shift, we notice. All we ask is that you keep us in the loop. Allowing us to be part of your process creates a sense of emotional stability and security within us.

4. Effective Communication

One way for us to achieve #3 is through communication. Yes, we understand that sometimes you guys need space or alone time but please do not “stonewall” us. (By the way, women do this too). Relationship researcher John Gottman, Ph.D., defines stonewalling as “when a listener withdraws from an interaction by getting quiet or shutting down.” This uncomfortable silence often leaves us feeling hurt, ignored, misunderstood, and invalidated. Men and women both need to be honest with one another and inform their partners of the best way to interact with them when one becomes overwhelmed or flooded by the conversation. If you need a break or timeout, please ask for that. Let’s both learn to be open and transparent and allow the other person to learn to love the other person well.

Favorite clip on understanding women "It's Not About The Nail." 

Suggested Readings: The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman, Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Sue Johnson, The Man’s Guide to Women by John and Julie Gottman

Stay tuned for Adam's insights on the male perspective.

As always, please feel free to email me with any questions or comments or topics of interest! Happy love weekend!

Hugs! -Judy 

Brea, CA

New Year, New Habits

“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.”-Aristotle

Greetings 2016!

How are you?

What do you have in store for us...?

At this particular point in reading this blog, how many of you have already made New Year’s resolutions…?

And, how many of them have already been broken?

Yuuuuuup, same here. I am guilty as well.

BUT, this does not mean we give up and stop trying.

P.S. For those of you who have stayed steadfast with your resolutions, seriously GO YOU. I applaud you.

According to a 2009 study published in the European Journal of Social Psychology, Lally et al. examined the amount of time it takes to form a new habit. The recent hype of it being 21 days has turned out to be a myth.

Sorry folks, research indicates that certain habits could range between 18-254 days but on average it takes 66 days. 

Two months.

This study revealed, “it could take us over two months of daily repetitions before the behavior becomes a habit. And, while this research suggests that skipping single days isn’t detrimental in the long-term, it’s those early repetitions that give us the greatest boost in automaticity” (Dean 2009).

Although some of us may have already forfeited or simply forgotten our resolutions for this year, we still have time to re-implement them.

It is only January.

YOU can do this.

I can do this.

We WILL do this.

Behaviors usually become habits when we no longer need to think about them. They become automatic. In addition, it becomes hard NOT to do them.

A simple example would be our social media and cellular usage.

How many of you find it difficult to NOT check your phone for a text, email, notification, etc.?

It has become a habit for many of us.

How can we integrate habit-forming tactics with healthy actions?

My personal approach is called the S-Strategy:

• Small and Simple

In order for behaviors to become habits, they must fit into our daily routine and schedule. When modifications become too overwhelming or drastic, we often give up. For example, diet and exercise is often a common New Year’s resolution. Just ask the sales reps at 24-hour Fitness and Weight Watchers ;) Often times, many of us decide to make large and dramatic changes like giving up all carbohydrates and committing ourselves to working out seven days a week.  Realistically, that may be highly unachievable for many of us, at least initially. If it were that simple, it would already be a part of our every day schedules.  Instead, start off small. Rather than cutting out ALL carbs from your diet, make the choice to remove it from at least one meal a day. Once that becomes a habit, implement it into another meal and build from there.

• Specific

My resolutions usually sound fairly vague or broad.

I want to be healthier.

I want to save more money.

I want to manage my stress better.

But what does this actually look like?

Although those goals are common and well advised, they are also easily overlooked because they are unclear. The more specific we are with our resolutions, the more attainable they become. Specificity encourages us to be more aware of our habits. In addition, creating categories can promote explicit behavioral change. This year, I have broken up my resolutions into 5 categories: physical, social, spiritual, financial, and emotional/psychological.

Physical-I will attend barre and kickboxing classes at Enerji Barre 4-5 times a week. I will sign up for the classes in advance so they appear in my calendar which forces me to schedule other activities and obligations around my exercise routine.

Social-I will only commit to two social activities per week. It can either be once during the work week and once on the weekends or both on the weekends.

Spiritual-I will join a community/small group at church and attend these gatherings at least 2 out of the 4 weeks in a month. Ideally, it would be every week but I want to start out small and go from there.

Financial-I will cut back on my Amazon shopping to only twice a month. I am an obsessive user of Amazon Prime. Come on, how can you NOT be with their free two-day shipping?! I will only allow myself X amount of $$$ a month for frivolous (dining out, clothing, manicure, etc…) spending. Pick the amount that is doable for your income but also allows you to tuck away extra money for savings.

Emotiona/Psychological-Every other week, I will take one day for myself to recharge. I will turn off my phone and social media and literally spend the entire day not doing any work or socializing. I will disconnect from the world and simply rest and engage in self-care. For each one of us, this may look very differently. I know for my personal disposition, allowing myself a “Judy” day, keeps me sane and re-energizes me for the upcoming couple of weeks. Give yourself a personal gift by scheduling a “me” day.

• Screw the “Screw-It, I Give Up” Mentality

This mentality is probably one of the main contributors of the demise of our New Year’s resolutions or any of our life goals. At the first sign of adversity or failure, we often think “screw it, screw this” and we lose motivation. We simply give up. We regress to old unhealthy habits. We begin to wallow in a negative mental script of “I CANT.” This is where we are mistaken.

Because you CAN.

We all CAN.

When we choose to think we can’t, we are choosing to fail.

We are choosing to be our own worst enemy.

I am not sure how the rest of you function, but when an opponent of mine tells me I can’t do something, guess what I am motivated to do? I am motivated to prove them wrong. I will do everything in my deepest being to accomplish the very thing they doubted me in. So when your own voice tells you that you can’t do something, tell him/her to shush it and continue to tenaciously pursue your dreams. Prove yourself wrong.

New Year, New Habits

Be excellent.

Hugs! -Judy

Brea, CA

Mirror, mirror

 

"Come on now, we're going to go build a mirror-factory first and put out nothing but mirrors for the next year and take a long look in them."
-Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451

Right before the anticipated winter break, my students were reading Fahrenheit 451. At the end of the novel, a character named Granger proposes building a mirror factory in order to rebuild and transform their current shattered society. He believes that a mirror factory would allow mankind to look at itself. 

Many class discussions revolved around the meaning of a mirror and it's connection with personal awareness. 

Mirrors are a symbol of self-understanding, of seeing oneself clearly, even if the image reflected back at us is one of brokenness. 

In order to heal and grow, we must acknowledge our past and current follies and reflect on whom we desire to be. 

Reflection equals progression. 

I will admit that one of my biggest fears (especially being a therapist) is regressing back to old unhealthy patterns and remaining stagnant.

I "should" know better right...? 

This career path heavily promotes change and development, yet I often struggle with personal growth. 

Have you ever been hesitant to move forward?

CHANGE...

Why are you so difficult?

so scary?

so incredibly painful? 

Why do you often seem impossible? 

Or hopeless?

We often sit in our unpleasant stench filled stagnant circumstance because it is familiar. 

It's a comfortable discomfort. 

It is known. 

To change, means being thrown into unfamiliar and unexpected territory. 

Learning to navigate a new course of habits often seems like too much work or simply frightening. 

Yet, CHANGE, you ARE a necessity.

As we come to the end of 2015, many ponderings will begin to take place. Reflect on where you are and where you’ve been. An important part of prepping yourself for the New Year is reviewing the past year, learning from it, and releasing it. 

Although I wasn’t able to accomplish or become everything I had hoped for this year, there were still many lessons learned that ultimately made me a healthier individual. 

I learned…

1. The Intentional Yes

“No” is an acceptable and sometimes needed answer. Saying yes to too many requests has often times left me feeling depleted. I have learned to become more intentional with my yeses. I am one person and it is impossible for me to do everything and be everywhere (even though my overachieving stubborn ass thinks I can). The more intentional I am with my time and heart, the more I am able to be fully present and enjoy my company or activity I am participating in. 

2. Repeated Mistakes Doesn't Equal Failure or Lack of Progression. 

Am I the same person I was in 2014?  
Definitely not. 

Am I the best version of myself and no longer need growth and healing?
Ha, I wish.

Am I getting better at recognizing and processing what led to these mistakes and having more self-reflection and awareness?
Absolutely. 

Every year, we become different versions of ourselves. Yes, we possess remnants of old patterns, but we are stronger and more self-aware. Although mistakes can leave us feeling disappointed in ourselves, this time we can make the choice to learn and change. To me, that represents a successful year. Although our past is a part of us, it definitely does not define us. 

3. Relationships Change (platonic, romantic, professional, family, etc) and that's ok. 

This year I have felt the pressure to maintain relationships exactly the way they used to be or the way I have always known them to be. 

But then I began to realize that people change.

Circumstances change. 

I changed. 

Learning how to balance and mold "old" relationships into "new" relationships has brought some discomfort, yet breathed beauty into many of my relationships. 

Blocking or preventing change was essentially blocking and preventing the opportunity for new experiences. 

Understanding that relationships are malleable has lessened the pressure and guilt and given me a whole new perspective on how to be a different (which doesn't necessarily mean bad) kind of friend, sibling, daughter, and professional. Allowing the ebb and flow of relationships has given rise to deeper conversations, authentic communication, and transparent love.  Not only do I personally want to change and develop, but I would also like to allow my relationships to as well. 

As you close out your 2015, here are a few suggested questions to ask yourself:

1. What have I learned this year about myself (the positives and areas of needed growth)?
2. What am I most proud of this year? What did I do well? What did I accomplish?
3. What were my biggest obstacles and challenges of this year? How did I overcome them?
4. How am I different this year from last? 
5. What would I have done differently? Why? And what can I do differently next year?

In his song, “Who do you believe in,” rapper 2Pac (yes, I am quoting 90’s rap because I love it) stated, “What is it we all fear, reflections in the mirror. We can’t escape fate, the end is gettin nearer.” 

Instead of being afraid of what we might see, lets make 2016 a year of brave and beautiful reflections. 

So cheers to you 2015 and thanks for all the much needed life lessons.

Hugs! -Judy

Brea, CA

Abundant Thanks

““Gratitude turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity...it makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.” -Melody Beattie”

How often do you see the blessings in your circumstances?

When was the last time you expressed your genuine appreciation for another individual? 

When was the last time you felt appreciated? 

What did that feel like?

As we are in the midst of the hectic holiday season, we often become so preoccupied with responsibilities, accommodations, and to-do lists, that the essence and beauty of the season is unfortunately missed and gone astray in a blur. 

So what can we do to pause and enjoy this time of the year?

We can give THANKS, abundantly. 

According to Martin Seligman, founder of Positive Psychology, expressing gratitude can make you a happier person. Psychological studies have shown that gratitude positively correlates with joy, happiness, and life satisfaction.

Gratitude can change negative mental scripts of worry, self-doubt, and anxiety into a healthier focus of love and contentment. 

This exercise is called the Gratitude Letter or Gratitude Visit.

1. Select one important person from your past or present who has made a major positive difference in your life, preferably someone to whom you have never fully expressed your thanks.
2. Write a one page-long testimonial. Take your time composing this. Detail exactly what that special person did and why it had such an impact on you.  Thank them for their impact on your life. Try to be as specific as possible.
3. Stamp, address, and mail your letter or visit the person and read him or her your letter of appreciation. 
4. How did this exercise make you feel? (haha, yes I know this is a typical therapist question but I couldn’t help myself and would love to hear about your experience!)

NOW ITS MY TURN. 

On a daily basis, my life is filled with rich encounters with the most stunning and authentic individuals. Life would not be as wonderful and full without them and for that, I am thankful. 

To the people listed below, THANK YOU, from the deepest part of my being, for enriching my existence with your beautiful presence and for teaching me the following: 

Clients: Bravery, Vulnerability, Strength 

Thank you for taking the courageous step to ask for help. Overcoming life’s hardships and painful wounds is a battle that we all struggle with. You are empowered to progress and make healthy strides. You are a survivor and I am inspired and moved by your honesty, strength and resiliency. Thank you for sharing your heart with me. 

Students: Patience, Perseverance, Humor

What can I say? You encompass the majority of my life. I see you more than I see my family and friends lol. For the last ten years, hundreds of you have come and gone and yet each one of you has left a nugget of joy in my heart. I am inspired by your creativity, perseverance, and humor every.single.day. The excitement, intellect, and uniqueness you all bring is heart warming. You challenge me to be more patient, kind, and understanding. Although my role may be to educate you, I learn from you daily. Thank you for bringing life into my “job.” 

Therapists: Compassion, Grace, Advocacy 

You are a community of empathetic and compassionate souls. I admire the passion and grace you have for your clients. You provide a safe space for those who are hurting and help with transformation and healing. You model healthy communication, attachment, and growth. I am encouraged by your knowledge, authenticity, and ability to really SEE your clients. Thank you for making people feel significant. 

Teachers: Selflessness, Sacrifice, Humility 

Many people often believe that teaching is considered a thankless job, yet you continue to do it with fervor. Every day, you sacrifice your time, health, and resources for your students. The love and commitment you pour into the lives of each individual learner is humbling. You never give up on your students and continue to care for them even if some have shown a lack of care for you. Thank you for teaching me about motivation and dedication. 

Friends: Support, Acceptance, Transparency

What would life be like without you? Lonely…boring…empty. You are my pseudo family. Your willingness to listen, nurture, and support is so incredibly appreciated.Your wisdom and wit have made this life a wonderful life to live. You are trustworthy and loyal and make hardships more bearable. You are open and generous with your love. Thank you for teaching me how to receive care. 

Family: Love, Security, Self-Worth

Thank you for loving me well and teaching me how to love others well. You are a model of secure attachment. You are my safe haven. When life has shaken my foundation, you have been my rock. In a world full of turmoil and uncertainty, you are a place of refuge and abundant love. You are caretakers and a source of comfort. You love others even when their actions are unlovable. Your unconditional affection has allowed our family to thrive. Thank you for making me feel valued. 

Abundant thanks = abundant Joy :-)

Please feel free to contact me with topics you would like to read about. Have a happy November!

Hugs! -Judy

Brea, CA

Carbon Copy

"How are you?"

"I am tired..."

Sadly, I cannot remember the last time my instinctive response wasn't "I'm tired, exhausted, or burnt out."

Simply, I am tired of being tired.

A mother of three, in the midst of her hectic schedule, once stated that she felt she was being "the worst version of herself."

I could not relate more.

There are seasons in which we feel as though we are drowning. 

Empty and depleted.

A tightness in the chest, an exerted endless effort to catch one's breath, and a web of rapidly miscellaneous thoughts circling, becomes a personal battle to stay afloat.

How can we be 100% present when we have taken on a billion and one things?

Being spread so thinly prevents us from being the best version of ourselves. Lately, I have felt like a carbon copy of myself.

There is the original hard copy: clear, vibrant, open.

As tasks and responsibilities begin to increase, a carbon copy becomes necessary.

It's not quite the original version but it still leaves a similar duplicate mark, only it's slightly faded.

As more copies are made and passed out, the more faded it becomes and the further it strays from the original.

This is a season of endless carbon copies and often times I almost forget what my original self looks like.

Forgetting important dates, not responding to friends and family with an emphatic response, and feeling like everything is one gigantic to do list has taken a toll on not only myself but my relationships as well.

Many of us have experienced periods where life becomes one big blur.

In order to buoy above water, we must remind ourselves to:

1.    Stop...Breathe...Prioritize: You can't say yes to everything. And you shouldn't. It is okay and necessary to take time for yourself and recharge. I bet your family and friends would probably encourage you to do the same.

2.   Find an activity you enjoy. Ask yourself what is the one thing that makes you feel the most at peace and rested. Go out and do it :)

3. Eliminate Hurry: In order to restore our soul, we must be still. Instead of jumping from one scheduled thing to another, allow yourself to soak up the present and fully engage in the company and task you are currently with. 

Ask yourself what it is that YOU want rather than what others want from you. Once you can discover what and how you want your life to look like, the pigment from your original self will shine through.

Hugs! -Judy

Brea, CA

That MFTI Life...

Overwhelmed, isolated, insecure, and exhausted are frequent feelings felt by many Marriage and Family Therapy interns.

We are no longer trainees (sheltered and protected under the guidance and structure of our graduate program) nor are we Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists (the respected and coveted title that we all strive to attain which often seems like an insurmountable goal).

We are interns. We are MFTIs. Better yet, according to my California Altura Vista supervisor and marketing guru, we are “Pre-licensed Marriage and Family Therapists.”

We are stuck in the in between.

THREE THOUSAND clinical hours and a state licensing exam stand in our way of becoming everything we went to school for and sacrificed along the way. The moment we graduated, it has felt like an arduous and panicked race to the finish line.

It first began with obtaining our intern number. There was a constant buzz between us newly graduated individuals. “Did you turn in your paperwork?” “I heard so and so got their intern number in less than three weeks.” “I hope the BBS received my documents.” “Where do I get my fingerprints done.” “Where is my intern number? Why haven’t I received it yet???!!!” The moment we received the long awaited letter in the mail, we were able to breathe...for just a moment.

Instantly, we had a new worry: obtaining an internship.

For some interns, the process of finding an internship that was the “right fit” came effortlessly. A handful of individuals were able to continue on from their trainee site as an intern or made professional connections prior to graduating or simply was in the right place at the right time. Unfortunately, the more common scenario for interns during this search period was often filled with self-doubt, disappointment, and a sense of desperation. Some of us weren’t quite sure what type of internship we desired (clinic, hospital, private practice, case management, etc…). Many of us reached out to fellow peers and professors looking for any known job opportunities. Countless applications and resumes were sent and rejected. Luckily, a majority of us often did indeed find ourselves an internship.

Thus, the accruing of hours began.

Lack of sleep, lack of time with loved ones, and lack of energy are frequently experienced by many interns. We are all “hustling” to try and obtain our clinical hours as rapidly as we can, in addition to; paying our bills and providing for ourselves and others. Currently, I am at 1,394 hours to be exact. Juggling two careers simultaneously (high school teacher and therapist) has been quite the challenge. I have been s..l..o..w..l..y accumulating hours since 2013 and every time I input my hours on trackyourhours.com, I feel either hopeful or discouraged with reaching my goal of 3000 hours. To be honest, there have been many and I mean MANY times where I have looked at the darn tracker and thought to myself “I am never going to get licensed.” It seriously feels like a snail’s pace at times.

Despite moments of self-doubt, this journey of being an intern has been incredibly fulfilling and life-changing. I have been abundantly blessed with two amazing internships, supportive supervisors, and an admirable community of fellow MFTIs. Currently, I am an intern for Hope Counseling Center and California Altura Vista. Aside from accruing hours quickly, my biggest struggle is marketing. Ernesto Segismundo, my supervisor at CAV and owner of FYLMIT.com, has encouraged and pushed (sometimes shoved) me out of my comfort zone. As an intern, being in private practice can sometimes be quite challenging. Marketing yourself and building a sustainable caseload takes dedication, confidence, and time. Both of my internship sites have done an incredible job at empowering and encouraging their interns.

As many of us continue to stumble through these intern years, I hope we can all do it strongly and boldly. To my fellow pre-licensed marriage and family therapists, I wish you the most sincere blessings and encouragement during this transitional period and please remind yourself of the following:

1. Reach out: Seriously, you are not alone. Utilize your peers. I sometimes think therapists speak their own language that only other therapists can understand. I guarantee that some, if not all, the emotions you have felt during this process have definitely been felt by one of your fellow interns. Seek out your colleagues for encouragement and comfort. Sometimes you need to group text your fellow MFTIs just to keep sane. Let them be your community; let them be your support system; let them be your rock.

2. Don't compare: Although we may all be interns, we are all experiencing different circumstances. For some, therapy is their first career. For others, it is their second career. We are all in different life stages whether we are married, single, have children, etc… In addition, life experiences can rock us with grief and loss and brokenness that can delay our progress. When you start hearing how many hours your peers have gained or how close they are to licensure, remember to not compare and become discouraged, but to remind yourself that everyone’s path is different. You will get there. Be confident. It will happen for you.

3. Be kind...to yourself: We are not perfect. None of us are “perfect” therapists because perfection doesn’t exist. Remind yourself that you are an intern: a recently graduated individual who works for a period of time in an occupation in order to gain more work experience. We are still learners. We make mistakes. We stumble. How often do we accept and show empathy for our clients? Give yourself the space and kindness to fall. Learn and continue to grow in your craft.

4. Enjoy the process: One of the best tips of advice I have received from supervisors is to remember that this process is not about how quickly you can earn your clinical hours. The pace at which you accrue them does not define your ability as a competent clinician. It is about enjoying the process. Be still. Soak in the knowledge you gain from your supervisors, your colleagues, your friends and family, and your clients. Embrace this in between.

Hugs! -Judy

Brea, CA